Smashing

A whole week with uninterrupted Internet: who would have thought this brave new world would have such wonders in it. In fact, without wanting to tempt fate, I think it’s actually performing better than before our trial separation. Before, the signal would suddenly go for a few seconds at odd times during the day, but this doesn’t seem to be happening now. Whatever the two engineers did, they made a good job of it. They’re not the only ones who made a good job of something, either, for I started the week off with a bang – and I truly mean that.

Before I go into the finer details of what occurred, I want it noted that what happened was due to the whimsical Italian design of our front door. As I remarked to Stephen when it was all over, it wouldn’t have happened in our old house in Ramsbottom with sensible doors.

Monday, being May 1st, was yet another public holiday in Italy, and with no lessons I was looking forward to a whole day at my disposal to do with as I pleased. That was until I pulled the front door to behind me when taking Bella and Harry for their early morning constitutional. There is that brief out-of-body experience between completing an action and the brain registering that you have just done something very stupid when a wiser version of yourself looks down from above and shakes his head patronizingly, knowing that you are in deep trouble. ,

So it was that as I heard the lock click I realised I didn’t have my key with me – because it was still inside the lock on the other side of the door. I did, of course, try the spare key (which we have secreted away somewhere in the vicinity of LCDDB, though not under a plant pot or a doormat, so don’t bother looking there) but, as I expected, that worked not at all what with the other key blocking the lock. With nothing to be done immediately, other than feeling very stupid, I took Bella and Harry for their walk while I considered my options. These, basically amounted to one, which was to phone Stephen. Being woken abruptly at 5.30 UK time, it took him, understandably, a little while to come up to speed but when he did he pointed me in the direction of the wood store (being the only room in the house that wasn’t locked) where I might find some tools.

In the event, the only implement of any use was a short-handled axe, which I took back up to the terrazzo, together with a pair of gardening gloves – I say ‘pair’, but ‘two’ would be more accurate as they were both left-hand ones - to follow Stephen’s instructions. First I tried to use it to jemmy open the door, but whilst I made some impact on the doorframe, no way was I going to have any effect on the latch bolt. I then moved to plan B, which was to break the window by the front door. Now, I’m sure that any hardened criminal would be able to do this with one fell blow from a handy sledgehammer, but being a soul of a sensitive nature and not having a sledgehammer, it took me somewhat longer. After a few tentative taps with the corner of the axe blade, which echoed alarmingly through the still morning air, I tried a couple of harder ones. These had the effect of chipping the glass slightly, but as my aim was effecting an opening and not etching a water lily, I knew I had to give it a bit more welly. Gritting my teeth I upped the force and after another couple of hits the window did indeed crack. I was then able to remove enough glass (with my gloved left hand, not easy when you are right handed) to create a space large enough to access the second pane of glass. Yes, it’s double-glazed so I had to do it all over again on the second pane.

This time, with all that experience under my belt, it took me a slightly shorter time to manufacture a second hole through which I could reach the handle of the window. After carefully removing the ornaments on the sill – by manoeuvring them through the two holes – I opened the window and then it was comparatively easy to hoist myself up and over the windowsill and unlock the door. While all this time had been going on, Bella and Harry had been tied up to the gate at the bottom of the steps looking bewildered (they weren’t the only ones) but it was still some time before they were released as I had to sweep the terrazzo to remove the stray bits of glass resulting from my breaking and entering.

It was with some surprise that, when I looked at my watch, it was still only 7.30, so much seemed to have happened. I suppose that is what you get when you rise early – all that extra time to do things like smash open a window. It’s just as well we had the man from Folusci round measuring up the other day, as we really will need a new door and window now, what with the former having a buckled frame and the latter an interesting arrangement of jagged shards. When he returned, Stephen did get two pieces of plexiglass from Giordano the ferramenta to sandwich them and keep them safe, but the overall effect is still a bit like demolition chic.

And really, that was more than enough excitement for one week and the days that followed were reassuringly mundane. Stephen returned on Wednesday morning and I collected him from Falconara, which meant that we were able to use our telepass for the first time to sail through the tolls and onto the superstrada. Unfortunately, the same could not be said for the exits from the autostrata to the airport, which were cordoned off due to roadworks. It might have been a good idea for the authorities to give some prior notice of this and thereby avoid the necessity of me making a twelve km detour. I suppose, though, that every cloud has its silver lining and on this occasion, as his plane was early and I was late, Stephen was waiting in the car park when I eventually got there so we were well within the free twenty minutes allowed for drop off and collection.

Thursday I went with Stephen and Nazzareno in the factory van to buy plants, a few to replace those damaged in the recent cold snap and several to augment the survivors. We came away from the nursery, which is akin to a giant hangar manned by scarily efficient women, with: tomatoes (four varieties), peppers (two types, round and pointed), round aubergines, courgettes, dwarf beans, cucumbers, strawberries, dill, basil, purple sage and a free chili plant. We are thinking of changing the name of the house from LCDDB to Self-sufficiency Is Us – but maybe we better wait to see how abundant any future crop turns out to be.

We have, though, made a start on our home produce as yesterday evening we had the first of our lettuces, a supporting act to the frittata made with the eggs Mrs Carelli gave Stephen on Thursday, still warm from her hens, and a salad of the broad beans that Mrs Carelli gave Stephen on Friday, fresh from her garden. On second thoughts, maybe we shouldn’t change the name of the house; self-suffiency is all well and good, but where would we be without our friends?